Monday, October 08, 2007

The distinctions among created things; and their different rankings by the scales of utility and logic

My youngest son dragoned in zippered green fabric
waves a red shovel and hoe and Adams an Eden in the hall.
My oldest son dumptrucks a wagon of brown plastic horses
onto the ranch of the rug and rides a smile
into the western afternoon, full of wrangling.

With the autumning of my body
I weigh the jump-roping of their play-
from hot-rods, dinosaurs, and hard-hatted Indians
with six-shooters and wooden spoons belted to their sides
to the jackhammering through leaves
behind the Frankensteined soccerball-
the scales midlife into crisis.

Later, as my sons -on their stomachs- teeter-totter their legs,
I shiver when a tower of blocks Babel them
as it nine-elevens to the floor.


-Remy

4 comments:

Thomas Banks said...

"Midlife into Crisis." Mon Chapeau, Mr. Wilkins.

Bennett Carnahan said...

love this rems, though i have no french to express my sentiment. a few aural criticisms:

1. the two verbed words "dragoned" and "zippered" placed so close together in line one draw a little too much attention to themselves, at least to me. i love "dragoned", am less enamored of "zippered". would cut the second if 'twere mine.

2. no likey "fabric" in line one. "PJ's", perhaps (if such they are)? in any event, sounds forced as is.

3. i like the idea of "autumning", but think it sounds clunky. am i the only one who stumbled over that out loud?

4. not sure what i think about "nine-eleven's them": feels akin to "Marlboro's them", or something equally colloquial: maybe undermines the almost mythic force of the rest of the poem?

in any event, lovely as always.

blessings,

ben

Thomas Banks said...

I've been thinking that verbalized nouns that you've got going on here tend to add a lot more sass to your class than nominalized verbs, which you don't see to much anymore. But whenever I see one, I anymore start to think of Alexander Pope's immortaly bad "And all their armor jingled with great clang."

Remy said...

I feel that the burden of that title and the last line outweigh the rest of the poem. I plan to add something to it that grafts more weight into the poem but I haven't discovered that technique yet. As it is, I feel it's pretty light myself.